she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
