Just cropdusted the office
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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