I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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