porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
