Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
