but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
