Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
