I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
