the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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