____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx