she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
