I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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