Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
