Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
