Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
