Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
