Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
