Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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