can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
