hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Randomize
