I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
