nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
