I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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