she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
