In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
