who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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