I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How external is "for external use only"?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
