i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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