just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
