I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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