After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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