got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Acid is not a monday night drug
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
