you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
