pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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