i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
