Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
