i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
