I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
