He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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