I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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