It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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