Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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