I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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