did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
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