no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
