If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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