im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
she woke up with a sticky ear
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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