The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Randomize
