I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
