I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
