I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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