sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
thus making me awesome and them whores
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
