Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
