I've blown a few things in my day
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
